Shoe Zombie

I am not a shoe girl. Clothes? You better believe it. Purses? Yes, please. Makeup? Sephora and I are like this.

But shoes? Meh. It's not that I don't like them - I have several pairs of shoes that I adore. (Including a $1500 pair of Sergio Rossi boots that I scored at a Goodwill for $8 thank you very much.) For the most part though, I'd rather spend my money on other parts of my outfit (see above).

So imagine my surprise when it occurred to me that I had spent hours of my life devoted to finding wedding shoes with no luck. You'd think I could just grab a pair of comfy sandals and call it quits, but nope. Apparently my wedding planning alter ego has other plans. While far from a bridezilla, she appears to be taking on some zombie like qualities with glazed over eyes, foaming at the mouth, while searching online and grumbling "Must. Find. Shoez."

Shoe Zombie had several requirements to complete her bridal look:

1. Slight heel < 3 inches. Since I'm rather tall at 5'9", I'm not entirely comfortable in super high shoes. I'd also rather not tower over Mr. America. 
2. Preferably a wedge. Getting married on the beach means no stilletos.  
3. Fits in the wedding color scheme: aqua, pink, or gold. 
4. Modern looking- Nothing that looks like a prom shoe.
5. Must allow for my cute  pedicure to be visible.
6. Must be able to protect my feet from icky sand (due to sandphobia) and/or the ability to quickly get the sand of off my feet post ceremony.

I did manage to find my DREAM shoes via Pinterest, but alas at $545 they are way out of my price range.

Miu Miu Glitter Wedges via Fashion Fuss

Sighhh.

These shoes would be great if they weren't so darn tall:

Via New Look

Then of course, there are the shoes that I purchased back when we were still planning to get married at the vineyard. I had dragged Mr. Rucksack to DSW to look for fall boots and ended up being inexplicably drawn to the sparkly shoe section. I put these on just for fun, but then fell in love. I loved the sparkle, the heel height, and the fact that they were super comfy:

Fergalicious Grace via 6pm

Oh, and the fact that they from the Fergalicious line by Fergie pretty much sold me. I'm not a fan of the pop star herself and actually loathe the Black Eyes Peas nearly as much as April from Parks & Rec does.

April Beheads the Black Eyed Peas via Fast Company

However, Fergalicious happens to be one song that is frequently stuck in my head. And I'm not quiet about it. Poor Mr. Rucksack often has to listen to me bust out singing "I blow kisses that puts them boys on rock rock, and they be linin' down the block just to watch what I got." Of course as soon as I saw the name of the shoes, I had to take a dance through the aisles of DSW singing to Mr. Rucksack. He was mortified, but hey - I got to test the shoes out and I now for a fact I can not only jump in them, but I can also power kick and get down low with them!

The problem was, they just weren't ideal for a beach wedding. I had a feeling I'd be tripping and sinking into the sand, and I would definitely get that yucky sand stuff stuck in there. It was back to the drawing board... sorry Fergie!

After a few months of searching high and low for the perfect glitter shoes, I gave up. Clearly my dream shoes did not exist in my budget. So I followed in the footsteps of girls much craftier than I and made my own!

Via Lulu's

I found these shoes on Lulu's for the amazingly low price of $23 and figured that if I messed them up, then at least I wouldn't be out much money. The weekend they arrived I armed myself with a big bottle of gold glitter and mod-podged away! 20 minutes plus a couple of hours of drying time later and I had my dream wedding shoes!

Sparkle Sparkle! They look so cute when they peak out from my dress! 

Were you surprised at how much time you spent on things you assumed you wouldn't care about?

It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle!

I’ve been trying to keep from talking too much about our diet and exercise routine on this blog. I don’t want to be that girl. The one that is always “Paleo this” and “Crossfit that.” You know, the Paleo Wedding Blogger. It’s a big part of our life, but it’s not like it’s completely informing our wedding related decisions.

Sure, we wanted to have a menu that we could actually eat and we didn’t want to give out sugary favors that we wouldn’t eat. And yeah, our changes in diet and activity have helped us become more in shape than ever. But it’s not like we’re forcing our guests to eat beef jerky and bacon grease. And even though it would be amazing, I won’t be tossing my bouquet in kettlebell form. 

That said, it’s driving me crazy when people say “Wow you’ve lost a lot of weight for the wedding!” or try to explain “Miss Rucksack doesn’t eat sugar because she’s getting married soon.” Ugh, no!

Image by Bye Calories

Depending on the offender, I’ll either smile and nod or I’ll get up on my pedestal and explain that actually we are making a lifestyle change based on what we’ve learned about our bodies and all this cool sciencey stuff. I don’t eat sugar because it’s bad for me. I don’t eat soy because it makes me break out in hives. I don’t eat gluten because the cramping it gives me is so not worth it. I lost weight because I was getting kind of chubby from sitting on my butt and eating cookies all day. Giving up cookies and starting to work out naturally meant extra weight lost. I’ve stuck with this “diet” for 8 months because it makes me feel really damn good.

Image via Quick Meme

Of course, the aesthetic benefits are there too. I lost twelve pounds within the first couple of months through Paleo and then started changing my body through Crossfit. I sort of had to stop looking at the scale because muscle weighs more than fat and all that stuff, but I know my weight yo-yoed a little in the beginning. But all sorts of other amazing things happened that the scale didn’t show. My butt got higher and tighter. I developed abs! It started with 2 and I’m now up to 5. Sometimes I just stand half naked in front of a mirror and flex my abs because it still just blows my mind. The circumference of my legs is so much smaller. I use so much less lotion now! I have biceps and really awesome triceps. I still like to rub them just to make sure they’re actually there and not a figment of my imagination. And you guys, I actually completed a 5 mile race over father’s day weekend.

Considering I was the girl that faked menstrual cramps every day of high school gym class, this is such an amazing accomplishment. My family still can’t believe I ran the whole thing. And I was shocked that I didn’t come in last!

Winning! / Photo by Capstone Photography

I plan on sticking with Paleo for the rest of my life. Now that we’ve been doing this for awhile and we know how different foods affect our bodies, we have a much better sense of the sorts of treats we can allow ourselves. (He’s fine with soy, I’m not. Occasional dairy hasn’t hurt me, but gluten is painful for both of us.) So I’d say we eat pure Paleo 99% of the time with the occasional treat of goat cheese on a salad or chocolate that’s not quite as dark as it should be. Oh - and alcohol. I do like to treat myself with a glass of wine or hard cider after a particularly long day. So really, I don’t think I’ve given up too much. And the fact that I get to walk down the aisle being the best version of me is such a reward.

Have you made any lifestyle changes recently?

More Sake, More Philosophy

I'm pretty shocked at how well I've handled this whole wedding thing so far. Sure there have been some roadblocks and some difficult catering decisions. And we still have a lot that can be done. I may have had a couple of bridezilla moments about shoes choices and other minor things, but for the most part our decisions were relatively low key. I guess I just know that when it comes down to it, nobody will care about what the flowers looked like and how many favors we had or if the napkins perfectly matched our paper lanterns. And in the end, I don't really care either.

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking about this marriage thing though, which really if you're going to freak out about something wedding related is the right thing to freak about. I mean, to really simplify it the wedding day is just a giant celebration. It's the marriage that's kind of a really big freaking deal.

I pondered this out loud the other night after an absurd amount of sake courtesy of New Haven's most infamous hibachi restaurant.

To quote the hibachi chef: "More sake, more happy!" Indeed.

"You know, getting married really makes you think about your own mortality," I told Mr. Rucksack on our way home. I get really philosophical when I drink.
I tried to explain further, but probably made it worse. It was something along the lines of when you're just dating, you can pretend you're young and carefree. Time doesn't matter when you're in your early twenties and partying. You have all the time in the world. But now we're getting married and suddenly I feel older. Sometimes I forget that I'm 29 because I swear to you I feel like I'm still 21 and have said on more than one occasion "I can't think about that - I'm just a kid!" No sweetie, you're just in denial.

Most of the time I'm in my happy little bridal daze, but then it'll suddenly occur to me that I'm going to be thirty (someday!) and I'm getting married and I'm going to have babies and before I know it I'll be a mother (or grandmother!) asking "Where did the time go?" It's already going by so fast.

Of course, none of that means that I don't want to marry Mr. Rucksack. I am so ridiculously lucky to have found him and can't wait to be his wife. I just sometimes get wistful and wish I could redo the past 10 years again. Because seriously, who wouldn't want to relive college again?

Oh college, how I miss double fisting vodka crans all night and still being able to wake up the next morning to go to class.

But that's just me being sentimental. Because frankly, there were a lot of low points in those ten years that I for sure would not want to go back to. So, since time doesn't stop for anyone we're moving forward. And you know, I really do love our little life and wouldn't trade it for the world. And seriously, this face? Who wouldn't want to wake up to this face for everyday forever?

Did you experience similar realizations as you neared your wedding?

A Bad Case of Bride Brain

Every now and then I find myself suffering from symptoms of the dreaded bride brain. Like most things in my life, I blame Pinterest. With all of those amazing options out there, it's hard not to suffer from bridal overload.

For instance, I recently saw these adorable ceramic strawberry baskets at Anthropologie and my mind immediately went to: "Must have cute Anthro inspired farm wedding! Somebody find me a farm!"

Via Anthropologie

With all of the moving pieces of wedding planning, it's hard to keep focused and not get off track once in awhile. My brain right now looks a little like this:

Don't worry, boss, there's still a little bit of brain matter left for the workday. But let me tell you, as soon as I get home and I have any semblance of downtime, I go immediately into bridal brain overload. This usually occurs during those 10pm-6am hours that I typically like to reserve for things like, I don't know....sleep. Thanks a lot, overactive brain.

Several nights in a row I actually woke up drenched in sweat with my brain screaming "Who's going to hang all the lanterns???"

Image via The Knot  / Photo by Shelly Mossman Photography

It was then and there that I decided I needed a Day of Coordinator. And it was the next day that I learned, DOC's can be expensive! I called a few wedding planners and was quoted an insane amount of $1500 for one day. Not including lantern setup because "We'll have to hire an insured decorating company for that." Um, what? Then what am I hiring you for?

Luckily, I also contacted Carisa from CR Socials. During our free consultation - where she bought a stressed out me a glass of wine - she immediately put me at ease. Carisa laughed at me when I blurted out "I was up all night thinking about the lanterns! Who's going to put up the lanterns!" She assured me she was fully capable of putting up lanterns.....and running our rehearsal, coordinating my vendors, collecting all of my DIY and purchased wedding decor, decorating, running our wedding, and cleaning up after.

"Oh yeah?" I chided, "And how much is that going to cost me?" I had heard all this before only to be burned by the cost. You can imagine the happy dance I did when I found out she fits right in our budget!

What sorts of things gave you bride brain?

Fatherless Brides

This post is a really tricky one for me to write. I spent most of my life convincing myself (and my mom) that I was just fine without a dad, and really I was. I grew up to be a smart, funny, pretty, accomplished lady. I have a great mom and an amazing extended family. I am lucky in so many ways.

However, over the last couple of years I've grown increasingly angry. It came to a head last summer when my dad's son (my half-brother) died at the age of 22. He and I weren't close, in fact we'd only spoken through email. And yet, it killed me. There were months of grieving and being angry at my dad. It's starting to get better, but I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that I missed out on knowing my sibling.

Wedding planning, too, has put an emphasis on the fatherless part of who I am as a person. I can get over my father giving me away on my wedding day. My mom - if she isn't crying too hard - will be walking me down the aisle and I wouldn't want it any other way. The aspects that bother me are things I never could have imagined would come up.

For instance, I obviously won't be having a father-daughter dance. I'm sure nobody will miss this, but selfishly I also don't want Mr. Rucksack to dance with his mother. I feel like their dance will put emphasis on the fact that I didn't get to dance with my dad. Even if nobody else thinks that way, I will and it will put a significant damper on my mood. I feel so selfish and childish thinking that way, but the pain has grown so significant that I really don't think I can not feel this way. (We will be inviting everyone to the dance floor after our first dance and Mr. Rucksack will dance with his mom at that point while I...awkwardly hug my mom? Not sure yet.)

The other thing that upset me? I will have to leave my father's name blank on our marriage license. Since he's not on my birth certificate and isn't part of my life, he doesn't get to go on my marriage license either. For some reason, this is just heartbreaking to me. I looked online for some guidance and all I found was a book titled My Ancestor was a Bastard with helpful tips for what to do if while researching your genealogy you come across a bastard relative with no father listed. Cue the tears. So many tears. And also a little bit of laughter.

I've been really into genealogy and have gone pretty far back (the 1500's!) on both sides of my family. Thinking about how my future relatives would be stuck with one branch of my tree made me realize: I have no right to my father's genealogical history. It was devastating. Did I mention that I was also reading Game of Thrones at this point? I couldn't have felt more like Jon Snow.

It's really hard trying to deal with all of these emotional issues while planning the wedding, especially since there's no solution. I've learned that my dad doesn't want to be my dad. He'll occasionally send me an email or a postcard but I've long since given up hope that we're going to have some sort of Hollywood ending where he suddenly realizes all that he's missed. I know it's something that I just need to deal with, but it's so sad. 28 years can go by, but the hurt doesn't lessen.

Who else is dealing with wedding related daddy issues? How do you "get over it?"

A Muddy Wedding?

It has not rained at our wedding venue on our wedding day for at least four years. I know this to be a fact thanks to the handy dandy Farmer's Almanac weather history. (Type A much?) Not that the information helps much since there are two ways to look at it:

1. It hasn't rained on our wedding day in years and has always been the perfect summer beach temperature of 75 degrees with a breeze. We picked such a beautiful day!

2. It hasn't rained on our wedding day in years and now we are due for a rainstorm! Good luck can't last forever! (Obsessive much?)

I've always believed that if I'm prepared with my raincoat and umbrella, the rain will stay at bay. But the second I walk out the door without it: Bam! Rainstorm while on a lunchtime walk across town, 2 miles from my office! True, right?

Since our ceremony is supposed to be outside, I'm starting to think of other JIC (just in case) options. Truth be told, a tiny bit of rain could be tolerable. Maybe even adorable:

Photos by The Photography Team

Image via Barefoot Beach Wedding / Photo by Comfort Studio

Aren't those brides (and umbrellas) the cutest? I could totally deal with a little sprinkle, especially if it meant a rainbow finale!

A downpour, though? No I do not think I could handle that.

Image via Barefoot Beach Wedding / Photo by Comfort Studio

What an awesome carefree bride! This, my friends, is nothing like me. 

So I guess the only option (besides wishing, hoping and praying that it doesn't rain) would be to move the ceremony inside as well. It certainly wouldn't be ideal,but I think we could make it work in a pinch, like this bride did:

Image via The Knot  / Photo by Shelly Mossman Photography

I love the circular petal aisle they created. And lucky for us, where they have a door as an altar, we actually have a fireplace. 

Obviously, we still don't have a clue what the weather will be like, but I wonder if I buy the umbrellas now - will the Universe stop the rain?

The Non-Wedding that Almost Was

Mr. Rucksack and I came this close to putting down a deposit on a completely different wedding.

We found the initial wedding planning to be Stressful with a huge capital S. So after taking some time off from thinking about it we refocused and then made a list of the things that were important to us: our family, our best friends, amazing food, and of course getting married to each other. That's when we decided to whittle down our guest list to a mere 20 people and find a venue that could cater to a small wedding. We narrowed it down to a couple of places and started making phone calls. A week later we stood inside our favorite vineyard in Connecticut.

Via Chamard Vineyard

I know, right?

The moment we stepped into their basement wine cellar I started crying. This was it.

Image via Hana Floral Design / Photo by Carrie Roseman / Event by True Event

Here it is all set up for a dinner party. You can't see it from this view, but on the opposite wall is a screen and projector that we planned on showing a continuous slideshow throughout our reception.

We began planning right away. The ceremony would be held in the vineyard among the grape vines. The reception would be in the cellar. Chamard would provide us with an amazing farm to table dinner. We would spend our wedding with our most important people. And I would not have to stress about anything. I felt awesome.

We told our parents and our friends. We apologized to those we wouldn't be able to invite.Then we made an appointment to see the venue one last time when Mr. Rucksack's parents were visiting from Minnesota and brought along our checkbook.

But then a turn of events changed everything. Mr. Rucksack's parents were very supportive of the whole plan, but I began feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. The night before we were going to the venue, I couldn't sleep. I kept feeling bad about all the people we weren't inviting. It also seemed crazy that we would have to have not only our wedding, but two parties afterward in order to celebrate with both our Connecticut friends and family and our Minnesota friends and family. Mr. Rucksack 's parents wanted to be involved with all of the parties, and I just couldn't ask them to shell out all of that money and time.

We went to see the venue the next day, but since Mr. Rucksack's parents had a flight change and needed to leave earlier, we also had to go to the venue a little earlier. Unfortunately it turned out that the venue coordinator couldn't see us at that time, so we were sort of left to our own devices to wander the property.

I was kind of grumpy from not sleeping, it was cold and rainy, and I was utterly confused. All of those things combined did not make for a pleasant viewing as we rushed through the various receptions spots. We left feeling very confused and as if we had fallen out of love with our venue.

Had our coordinator been able to see us or had it been sunny or had I actually slept the night before, we could have had a very different outcome and then I'd be telling you about a different wedding altogether.

Of course, that's not how this story ends. Instead, we changed our entire wedding overnight and although it's sometimes stressful, it really is just right.

Did you have second thoughts about your venue or change your mind at the last minute?

Now, this is the story all about how my wedding got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to tell a story just sit right there.....

I'll tell you how our wedding changed about a million times before finally settling on an idea that made sense and cost many less cents than our original plan(s).

There's a very good reason I don't write lyrics, and probably good reason that I don't plan weddings either.

You see, our wedding has changed direction about a hundred times since we first started planning. It's not that we didn't have good ideas. It's that we had sooo many good ideas. I've been planning my $100,000 wedding for the past ten years, faithfully reading Weddingbee and poring over bridal magazines and blogs for inspiration. My wedding PowerPoint presentation (from the pre-Pinterest days) is 273 pages long and take 5 minutes to load. My Pinterest has 25 wedding boards, all dedicated to different themes from Gatsby to Vintage Seaside to Vineyard.

When Mr. Rucksack and I got engaged, I figured all of my extensive research would go a long way in our planning process. I was Wrong with a capital W. It turns out we were in for a lot of sticker shock (wouldn't you know, my dream $100,000 budget was cut down to $15,000 in the real world) and venue woes. Also, with so many ideas out there it was hard to figure out what exactly was "us."

We felt a little like this: (and even ended up with a semi-nautical theme, ha)

But after months of "planning" we finally have a real vision and real vendors! Whew! Now I just have to keep reeling myself in when I start adding on a million projects and "must have" decorations. I blame Pinterest.

Did you have a hard time paring down your wedding ideas, too?