Letting Go of Bridal Guilt

I use a number of excuses to explain the way that I am. I'm an only child. I was raised by a single parent. We moved a lot when I was growing up. I was really nerdy as a child. I'm sure they all played a part in making me this sort of crazy person.

I was raised to never ask anybody for anything. My mom was really strong and really strong willed. A lot of what she instilled in me has made me an awesome confident person. Some of it has made me crazy.

Recently she acknowledged that I need to let go of the belief that asking someone for a favor doesn't signify weakness. In my head, I realize that too. But the thought of asking anyone for anything literally makes me sick to my stomach. So much so that each time I asked a friend to be my bridesmaid it was followed by "But only if you want to...I won't be offended if you say no....and I promise not to ask anything of you. Just show up." I was sweating bullets on that one and these are people I've known forever.

Sometimes I get a little jealous of other people's relationships with their friends. Those amazing DIY weddings where all of the friends and family chip in to decorate and bake and be generally awesome? Yeah, I would never even dream of asking a friend for any of that. Long nights of crafting fun with the bridesmaids? Nope. Hell, I didn't even ask my girls to go dress shopping with me because I didn't want to interfere with their schedules.

I told my MOH and aunt they didn't need to plan a shower for me because I didn't want them to have to spend any additional money or time on me. (Luckily they saw right through that one and did it anyway) I tell everyone the DIY projects are going just fine, although it would be really nice to have somebody else help me address envelopes. And I probably won't have a bachelorette party because my dear friends have no idea that I want one.

I totally want crazy Bridesmaids antics thrown down on my behalf (via NY Times)

What I'm saying is I'm struggling and I need to learn to ask for help. I've been so consumed with trying to make everyone else's life easier, that I'm starting to feel neglected and stressed. Which is totally unfair to my bridesmaids because I know that have the best of intentions.

So how exactly does one go about asking for a bachelorette party anyway?

Bling Bling Goes the Ring

For my birthday I asked Mr. America for just one thing: to go visit our jeweler in Brooklyn and pic out my wedding band. So Saturday evening we made the long and trafficky drive out to Brooklyn to visit Caroline at Liloveve. Since she had done such an amazing job on my engagement ring, we just knew she'd have to craft my wedding band to go with it.

I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted when I walked in, but much like what happened with my dress, I ended up falling in love with something completely different. This cutie below is what I thought I'd love but I don't think it stood out enough against my unique engagement ring.

Then I spotted a ring to try on "just for fun." It was super sparkly and blingy, not at all my "type." It turns out am a terrible judge of my own taste. As soon as I put the ring on I gasped and then lit up like a Christmas tree. There was just so much sparkle!

Caroline said it was important to love the ring both with and without my engagement ring so I tried it on multiple ways and loved it each time. Unfortunately we found out that it's more than double what we had budgeted for. So I tried on other rings and we thought about ways to bring the price down, but I knew in my heart that this was my ring. Mr. America looked nauseous at the thought of spending so much money and so after trying to convince him that we could come up with the extra money and trying to convince myself that I didn't need a blingy dream ring, we left empty handed and in silence. It was kinda crummy, guys.

Mr. America said he needed a drink before he could talk, so we walked 12 blocks in silence until we got to this yummy Brazilian restaurant with super strong fancy drinks. We drank, we ate and we talked and luckily at the end Mr. America agreed that I should have my dream ring. I explained that we'd be fine with money as long as we're careful for the next few months. I told him all about the wedding budget spreadsheet and promised to show it to him later. We talked about the money we'd save by not using an expensive officiant. I felt (feel) slightly guilty, but I also really believe that if I'm going to have to wear something everyday for the rest of my life I better well be in love with it. So we're going to make it work.

Did you fall in love with a ring out of your budget? Am I selfish for insisting on having it?

All photos personal

Well there's good news and there's bad news

Two days a week I waitress at a popular restaurant in New Haven. We have a rotating tap list so when a keg kicks, something completely new goes up. This means that sometimes someone will order a beer and only half a glass will actually pour. It's then up to me to play a game with my customer that I call Good news, bad news. "The bad news is, the beer you asked for just kicked. But the good news is you now have a half pint of free beer!" People love that game.

Yesterday was a big wedding related day for us. We had tons of good news. But unfortunately we also had some bad news to go along with it. While I usually have an easy time sharing the bad news first and then looking on the bright sad, I'm actually feeling pretty nervous and bummed about some of the bad things and the glass is looking a little on the half empty side.

So while I hate to be a bummer, I'm going to share with you, in order, each of the good and bad things that happened yesterday.

The good news:
Our first walk through at the Surf Club was awesome. Our DOC, Carisa, and our caterers Mark & Stephanie from Forks & Fingers all came and shared some great ideas. And they didn't roll their eyes when I insisted that the head table be out of the tent and in the sun or that plastic flamingos should be set up all over the lawn. 

The front of The Surf Club

 

Ceremony spot and view from the deck. Love this!

The tented area on the deck and a cute pic of our DOC and caterers

Weather permitting, the DJ will be where the fireplace is and the dance floor will be under the stars right on the deck.

The bad news:
I hesitate to call this bad news, because in all honesty it's actually very exciting news. It just happens to be very exciting news that makes me very nervous. We found out last night that our DOC is 5 months pregnant. Which has me terrified because she'll be 8 months pregnant at our wedding and the sole reason I hired a DOC was because I needed someone to be up on a ladder hanging lanterns around our venue. Carisa assured me she'll be bringing help so she won't have to do any lifting/carrying/hanging and I'm sure it will all be fine, but there's still this little nagging voice in my head that's all "What if she's on bed rest? Or has complications? Or is just too darn huge and tired to do anything?"


The good news:
My MOH Tessa and her mom, my totally awesome Auntie Em, sent out the invitations for my shower. They even (at my request) sent one to me so I can ooh and ahh over the pretty.

They're so fancy that apparently I felt the need to hold it like a baby while reading it? Also, please ignore my nerd badge. Mr. America makes fun of me for having to wear it, but I can't even go to the bathroom if I don't have it with me at work. We're super locked down like that.

The bad news:
This may be the one I'm most upset about. MOH Tessa and Auntie Em didn't include my other bridesmaids in the shower planning (even though I gave them all of their contact info and Momma America reminded them) and at least 3 of my 6 bridesmaids won't be able to be there. (2 will definitely be there, 1 is unsure) I am still crying about this. In addition to my bridesmaids missing, we've already heard from a few family members that they'll have to miss it as well. I'm really bummed.

More and more bad news:
Our officiant choice fell through. Again. So now we're back at square one. I emailed quite a few people and they are either booked or on vacation or will cost us $1000 that we don't have. Mr. America and I are thinking of secretly eloping on Friday afternoon and having our friend "marry" us on Saturday anyway since that's what we wanted in the first place. (In Connecticut you can't have an ordained friend marry you unless they have an active ministry, and if you go ahead & do it anyway well you can run into all sorts of problems down the road - plus possible jail time or a fine for our dear officiant friend.)

All of this stuff had me on the verge of tears all day and finally came to a boil today as I stood in the floral section of Whole Foods and just let it all out. The floral designer said that she's leaving and she's not sure if someone will be hired by the time the wedding rolls around. While they'll still be able to do simple bunches of flowers, they might not be able to work with me on colors or styles or anything. Cue the tears surrounded by bunches of peonies. At least it was a pretty place to cry.

I know everything will eventually work out, but I feel so overwhelmed today. And did I mention today's my birthday?

How did you handle unexpected bad news?

All photos personal

Reimagining Wedding Cliches

You know those people that hate wedding cliches like the bouquet toss and the wedding slideshow? They're the ones who also balk at the YMCA and the garter toss and think that cake smashing is tacky.

Well, I have a confession: I always thought I was one of those people.

If you had asked me my opinion on any one of those things a year ago, I would have laughed in your face and said something about "being non-traditional" and throwing a wedding that was "distinctly us." But as it turns out, I've learned that some of those traditional cliches are actually pretty fun and just because we include a few in our wedding, it doesn't mean our wedding is any less us or any less special.

So yes we'll be doing the garter toss, but we'll also make it a little different by adding in Mr. America's love of football (The Pats to be specific):

Gino Creglia via A Day to Remember

There's a chance that the YMCA may sneak onto our playlist or that I may smash a bit of cake on Mr. America's face. (Although there will be talk of murder if he so much as thinks about messing up my makeup!)

Via Snippet and Ink

And yes, we will have a wedding slideshow, but rather than showing it at the wedding reception, we'll play it at our rehearsal dinner. Those are really the people that want to see stinking cute pictures of us anyway.

Like these:

I started off pretty dang cute....

and had a couple of good years before the awkward phase came along....

Then this happened. I think this sums up my personality perfectly.

Also this....fanny pack, boa, tiara, and bifocal glasses....classic Miss America.

At first I was a little hesitant to put up so many ridiculously unflattering photos of myself, but now I'm just rolling with it. The more ridiculous the better. Plus, Mr. America has some pretty great photos of him as a nerdy kid that I'll have to share later. We were two nerds destined for love.

So are you including any wedding cliches in your wedding? If so, are you going traditional or adding a twist to them?

I spy with my little eye something wedding

These days, the wedding is starting to takeover everything. All conversations, all expenses, all parts of our house.... Craft projects have started to sprawl out from the office and have now landed in our living room (so I can better multitask while catching up on The League and How I Met Your Mother) and the dining room table. ("Babe, just add another leaf and we'll have plenty of room to both eat and let my crafts dry!")

In an attempt to rein in the wedding related tentacles, I've been storing all of our purchases and completed crafts in our guest room. So seriously, the wedding actually is everywhere. Except for maybe the bathroom and our bedroom, no room is safe.

Since I had a mostly successful and definitely busy crafting weekend, quite a bit has been added to the storage pile.

And here we have it - a messy look into what our wedding currently looks like. 

I spy:

•  A "treat yo self" banner made on my Silhouette Portrait. I learned that each letter needs two hole punches so that the letters don't tilt. I'll have to remake the letters A, S, and L and will keep that in mind when I make the rest of our banners. 
• Neon sunglasses favors for our "relief station" at the ceremony. I tried using the Silhouette to make vinyl decals for the arms, but couldn't get it to cut my font that small. I may go back and try again, but am inclined to just say "eff it."
• Our mostly finished cake topper! We have clothes on now, but we still need some finishing touches like flowers and a bow tie for Mr. America.
• Clutches for the bridesmaids gifts.
• My earrings and sparkly headband.
• Kate Spade toasting flutes, bridesmaids confetti rings, and the pirate bowtie that FMIL America says is inappropriate and morbid for the wedding.
• Piles of papers that contain contracts and receipts. 
• Fergilicious shoes that I probably won't be wearing. (Anyone want a pair of gold glitters heels?)
• Boxes of white bulb lights for the venue.
• More boxes! The big boxes have vases and paper lanterns.
• Last but not least, the flamingos and the directional signs I made for them using the Silhouette. I'm going to use navy ribbon to hang them from their cute pink necks. 

As messy as it all is, it's nice having all of the completed things in one place and even better watching it fill up as I finish projects. 

Where are you storing all of your wedding goodies until the big day?

The Sorta Budget

Before I head out into a fun weekend of DIY projects, I think it's time to get into the nitty gritty of the wedding planning because as much as I'd love to believe that weddings are all about pretty pictures and lovely details there is so much more behind the scenes. And that stuff ain't so pretty. Behind every vendor, project and purchase, there is an extensive spreadsheet detailing the cost breakdown and the to-do's and to-did's. Mine isn't even close to pretty, but it does the trick.

Below is what I'm calling our sorta budget. This doesn't include everything but it does include the things we absolutely need. So even though the plastic flamingos weren't needed or budgeted for, I bought them because I had a good night waitressing and I wanted them. (I am now seeing why I'm so bad at saving money....) At the end of the wedding, I'll probably add all of the additional items on (including the honeymoon which took a big chunk out), but for now my main priority is keeping our must-haves in scope. Plus, let's be honest - if I see the full breakdown of what we've spent there may be tears and tears won't do any good.

I included columns for the item, the vendor or store where purchased, the amount I budgeted for and the actual costs and amounts paid. So far we've only dropped $3,740 but we still have $11,550 to go which I'm not going to lie sounds like such a crazy large amount to me that looking at the number makes me want to cry and then just take that money, renovate our kitchen and have everyone over for some cocktails instead.

See all those little tabs on the bottom? That's where I keep tabs (oh punny) on all of our wedding related craziness: Invitations, RSVPs, must-play songs, DIY projects, must-take photos, and basically anything else I just need to write down somewhere.

With only $4000 left in our savings account from our parents (we spent a pretty penny on our honeymoon) we still have quite a bit to save. Which brings us to the Savings Tab. This method is really simple, but it worked so well for us when we were saving for our house, that I brought it back to life for the wedding. It seems like Alex and I have been saving for something our whole relationship, so we have a pretty good system going on which basically consists of me squirreling away a portion of my paycheck and serving tips and then being completely broke by the second week of the month. What's so difficult about this method is that I still don't have a concept of "savings" and "checking" and my MO has always been "Oh, I hit zero in my checking account? Time to transfer my savings money over!" It's really hard being broke, but knowing "the money is right there! I see it!"

Personal Comic Terribly Hand Drawn by Moi

In order to keep me on track, this handy dandy spreadsheet tells me how much I should be saving. If I don't hit my goal, I have to shame myself by putting a lower number in the savings column and then eating dirt for dinner. The dirt part's not true, but the shaming is. I don't mess around with goals, I punch them in the face.

If I put in a chunk of my paycheck to project wedding each month and then save all/most of my tips, we should have saved a total of $7550 by the wedding day - to be adjusted as we pay for things of course. That's $1000 more than we budgeted for, so that will give us some wiggle room for added expenses.

If you're wondering where Mr. America's saving lives in all of this, it's pretty simple. He pays a bigger chunk of our mortgage each month and then after I become broke in the second week of the month, he takes care of everything from groceries to date nights. Sometimes I feel a little guilty that he has to take care of me, but that's what husbands are for, right? Plus, I keep having to remind myself that I'm saving for our wedding and that I didn't go blow a bunch of money on Jimmy Choos or something.

What's your savings strategy?

Under where? (Slightly risque/NSFW)

Before you read any further, here's my little disclaimer that some of the following images may not be safe for work. So unless you feel comfortable looking at sexy ladies in lingerie at the office, you may want to save this read for another time.

After I got the news that my dress was finally in, I set up my fittings with The White Dress by the Shore. They asked that I have shoes (or at least the correct height shoes) and my bridal underthings by the time my first fitting rolled around. For day of undies, they suggested their sister store, Beneath the Gown, which had luckily for me just moved out from The White Dress's attic and into a cute little shop right in my town.

I had no idea what to expect when I called Beneath the Gown for an appointment, but I couldn't have had a better experience. If you've never had a professional bra fitting, I completely suggest it. I'd heard all sorts of stories about girls finding out they'd been wearing the wrong bra size for years so I was actually surprised that I was in the right size all along. What I did learn was that there is a big difference between a $20 Target bra and a high quality bra. I usually rely on straps to hold the ladies up, but it's actually all in the band. It should be grippy and tight so that the straps barely have to do any work at all.

While all of the bras I tried on were really pretty, one stood out in its ability to hold my boobies up high:

Via Natural Figures

I sadly paid way more than what's listed on the site that link takes you to, but since I could only find the bra on UK sites I'll chalk it up to availability and currency inflation. And since each bra I tried on was so different, I definitely needed the appointment in order to make a decision. Also, I don't know what they did in terms of lighting/paint/mirror effects, but I do not look that good naked at home. I seriously threatened to take that magic mirror home with me.

For undies, I chose a simple Hanky Panky thong decorated with a blue rhinestone "Mrs."

Via Beneath the Gown

The owner, Josie, even added a little blue ribbon to the bra so that it matches the undies and counts as my "something blue."

I had my dress fitting the very next day and the undies worked perfectly. It was great being back in my dress again (sorry, Mama 'Merica said no pictures) and seeing what the whole shebang is going to look like. I also was really surprised at how much thinner I am now compared to when I bought the dress. I haven't lost any poundage according to the scale, but my dress literally dropped to the floor when we zipped it up! I'm really hippy on the bottom and while I've noticed a tiny change in the way my pants fit, I hadn't previously noticed the change in my arms/back/waist. I guess it's kind of hard to tell when I usually wear t-shirts and button downs!

But yeah, that was a really pleasant surprise. My seamstress is going to leave the seams open for my next fitting next month just in case my body decides to morph some more. I'm still not sure how Crossfit is going to continue changing my body - inches lost through dropping fat? Inches gained from adding muscle? Where the wheel stops, nobody knows! A coworker suggested just not working out until the wedding, and while I was slightly tempted by the idea of lounging around for a few months the other half of me was like "And give up the abs I actually have for the first time ever? No freaking way!"

How did your fittings go? Did anyone else have a magical moment when trying on fancy underthings for the first time?