God Bless this Broken Road

I have a confession.

I had almost given up on love when I met Mr. Rucksack.

When we first met, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship. It was the kind of relationship where we both knew it was over long before we officially ended it, but when you've been together for so long you just sort of hold on. I won't go into all of the gory details, but it got pretty bad.

I remember one particularly sad conversation in which we laid it all out there and he told me that  the crazy can't eat can't sleep kind of love wasn't real, but that he could promise to be nice to me and take care of me. I stayed with him for another five months after that as our relationship continued to deteriorate. He began going out and drinking way too much and he stopped being so nice. It was at that point that I realized I not only was missing out on that crazy kind of love, but suddenly I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't even nice to me anymore. I blamed him at first, but now I realize how sad it must have been for him to be with someone that he knew wasn't crazy about him anymore.

Looking back, I know it would have been best for both of us if we said goodbye sooner, but I was so confused at the time. I had never seen a real relationship "work out" before. My parents aren't together and my grandfather died when my mom was in high school. My whole life was spent without any male role models and without a view into what a normal relationship looked like. It's not surprising then that everything I knew about relationships came from the movies  (where men are princes and love at first sight is abundant) and reality television shows (where women marry for money ala The Real Housewives). Seriously, what conflicting views on love. It's no wonder I was confused!

When I did leave my ex, I was determined to be single and really focus on myself. I was going to date and have fun and I wasn't going to settle for anything or anyone less than I wanted. I even (half-jokingly) made a list characteristics I wanted in my dream man. This included things like: a) tall b) from the midwest c) swimmer's build d) smart e) funny f) Cancer astrological sign g) big nose

I stuck with my plan for almost two months and let me tell you something, I was awesome at being single. Seriously, guys. I rocked it. I was waitressing at the time and had no day job, so my days basically went something like this: wake up, nurse hangover by the pool, waitress, party, sleep, repeat. Sometimes I got really wild and threw in hiking or beaching with the puppy, but really life was simple. I was healing.

Then one night I met Mr. Rucksack. I kid you not when after our first date I said "Oh crap!" because I knew my single days were over. After our second date, I actually called the few people I had been casually seeing to let them know I was now off the market. We both realized really early on that this was "it" - that crazy can't eat can't sleep kind of love that I had given up on finding. And not only were we madly in love and perfect for each other, but he had every single quality that I wanted in my dream man except for one. Any guesses on which he's missing?

Photo by Abigail Scott

Yep, his nose is much too normal sized. Although I now think that's probably in the best interest of our future babies.

I know how lucky we are and that not everybody finds this kind of love. Shortly after we met, Mr. Rucksack admitted to me that he never thought he would find love either and had pretty much committed himself to being a lifelong bachelor. I think that part of the reason we are so thankful is because we really weren't sure if it was going to happen for us.

You know how people always tell you that really annoying and vague theory of "When you know, you just know."? Well, that's exactly how it was for us. One day we just said "Oh....I get it now!" and haven't looked back since.

What circumstances led you to your fiance? Did you just know?

More Sake, More Philosophy

I'm pretty shocked at how well I've handled this whole wedding thing so far. Sure there have been some roadblocks and some difficult catering decisions. And we still have a lot that can be done. I may have had a couple of bridezilla moments about shoes choices and other minor things, but for the most part our decisions were relatively low key. I guess I just know that when it comes down to it, nobody will care about what the flowers looked like and how many favors we had or if the napkins perfectly matched our paper lanterns. And in the end, I don't really care either.

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking about this marriage thing though, which really if you're going to freak out about something wedding related is the right thing to freak about. I mean, to really simplify it the wedding day is just a giant celebration. It's the marriage that's kind of a really big freaking deal.

I pondered this out loud the other night after an absurd amount of sake courtesy of New Haven's most infamous hibachi restaurant.

To quote the hibachi chef: "More sake, more happy!" Indeed.

"You know, getting married really makes you think about your own mortality," I told Mr. Rucksack on our way home. I get really philosophical when I drink.
I tried to explain further, but probably made it worse. It was something along the lines of when you're just dating, you can pretend you're young and carefree. Time doesn't matter when you're in your early twenties and partying. You have all the time in the world. But now we're getting married and suddenly I feel older. Sometimes I forget that I'm 29 because I swear to you I feel like I'm still 21 and have said on more than one occasion "I can't think about that - I'm just a kid!" No sweetie, you're just in denial.

Most of the time I'm in my happy little bridal daze, but then it'll suddenly occur to me that I'm going to be thirty (someday!) and I'm getting married and I'm going to have babies and before I know it I'll be a mother (or grandmother!) asking "Where did the time go?" It's already going by so fast.

Of course, none of that means that I don't want to marry Mr. Rucksack. I am so ridiculously lucky to have found him and can't wait to be his wife. I just sometimes get wistful and wish I could redo the past 10 years again. Because seriously, who wouldn't want to relive college again?

Oh college, how I miss double fisting vodka crans all night and still being able to wake up the next morning to go to class.

But that's just me being sentimental. Because frankly, there were a lot of low points in those ten years that I for sure would not want to go back to. So, since time doesn't stop for anyone we're moving forward. And you know, I really do love our little life and wouldn't trade it for the world. And seriously, this face? Who wouldn't want to wake up to this face for everyday forever?

Did you experience similar realizations as you neared your wedding?

Now, this is the story all about how my wedding got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to tell a story just sit right there.....

I'll tell you how our wedding changed about a million times before finally settling on an idea that made sense and cost many less cents than our original plan(s).

There's a very good reason I don't write lyrics, and probably good reason that I don't plan weddings either.

You see, our wedding has changed direction about a hundred times since we first started planning. It's not that we didn't have good ideas. It's that we had sooo many good ideas. I've been planning my $100,000 wedding for the past ten years, faithfully reading Weddingbee and poring over bridal magazines and blogs for inspiration. My wedding PowerPoint presentation (from the pre-Pinterest days) is 273 pages long and take 5 minutes to load. My Pinterest has 25 wedding boards, all dedicated to different themes from Gatsby to Vintage Seaside to Vineyard.

When Mr. Rucksack and I got engaged, I figured all of my extensive research would go a long way in our planning process. I was Wrong with a capital W. It turns out we were in for a lot of sticker shock (wouldn't you know, my dream $100,000 budget was cut down to $15,000 in the real world) and venue woes. Also, with so many ideas out there it was hard to figure out what exactly was "us."

We felt a little like this: (and even ended up with a semi-nautical theme, ha)

But after months of "planning" we finally have a real vision and real vendors! Whew! Now I just have to keep reeling myself in when I start adding on a million projects and "must have" decorations. I blame Pinterest.

Did you have a hard time paring down your wedding ideas, too?

How do you know?

I knew Mr. Rucksack was the man for me right away, something I thought happened only in movies. I hated when people would tell me "When you know, you just know." My response to this kind of nonsense was typically an eye roll and a chuckle. Then it happened to me and all I could say was "Ohhh, now I get it!" It was like something suddenly clicked when I met Mr. Rucksack .

After about a month of dating, he told me he loved me. He had been drinking at the bar I waitress part-time at, while waiting for me to get off of work. The bartenders that night had been particularly generous to him and he was feeling good. After he said those three words, I immediately told him to take it back. I loved him too, but there was no way I was saying it back after he had been drinking.

"Fine. I take it back," he told me. Then in true Mr. Rucksack form he turned back to me and said, "But I don't really take it back. Because I looooove you."

When he said it again a week later, I told him I loved him too. And then the next morning he pretended he didn't remember because we had finished a bottle of wine together the night before! Thanks a lot, Mr. Rucksack! This story still cracks him up every time we tell it. He's his own biggest fan, I swear.

Within a few months we were buying a house and planning our lives together, and the fun just hasn't stopped.

Did I mention our biggest difference and premise for our make-believe future sitcom?

That's right. This liberal feminist is marrying a republican.

It's really not a very big deal at all anymore, but when we were first dating I would find myself whispering to my friends, "Yeah, he's amazing...but he's a republican." For the girl that had just finished an internship with a Gloria Steinam organization, it was a very big deal.

And Mr. Rucksack is not just any Republican. After our second date (ok, it was our first, but don't tell my mom), Mr. Rucksack slyly invited me over to his place for a glass of wine. As I sat down on his couch I took a look around and saw from left to right: A George W. Bush bobble head, a framed poster of Nixon, a framed poster of Reagan, an American flag, and a Don't Tread on Me flag. This is really not something you see in Connecticut very often. (He often says that he feels like a Unicorn in Connecticut)

It took a little adjusting, but we actually agree on most issues. We also help each other to view issues from another side. I've learned a lot by dating this guy that owns elephant embroidered pants! (No really. He actually does have a pair of obnoxiously awesome pants with elephants on them)

Party Animals Pants via Bonobos

Aside from our Dharma and Greg like differences, we're your average couple.We're both major foodies, we love wine, we constantly quote Parks & Rec and Always Sunny, and we sing to each other all the time. Sometimes we sing for real, like when he dances me around the living room and sings "Be My Baby," but most of the time we make up ridiculous songs about our mundane life - the dog, eating breakfast, showering.... BM Penny lived with us for a month and I'm sure we drove her crazy as we pretended we lived in a musical.

So you know, pretty much just like Dharma and Greg without all the yoga.

Via Starpulse

Do you and your fiance have any differences that you put aside in the name of love?

I'm So Glad I Got My Nails Done Today!

I was a little suspicious the day that Mr. Rucksack proposed. He had been acting funny for a few days, even spilling out "I know something you don't know!" after having a couple of happy hour drinks one night. So on the morning he suggested we go to a vineyard after work to listen to some music, I had a feeling this might be it. I put on a dress that wouldn't make him too suspicious of my suspicions and even managed to get my nails done on my lunch break!

But then he was late picking me up from work. By 5:45 he was apologizing and I felt like an idiot. Of course he wasn't proposing tonight. How silly of me to get so worked up. By the time he picked me up, it was too late to drive up to the vineyard. "Why don't we just go for happy hour instead?" he asked. I muttered back that I guess that was fine.

I had been thrown completely off the track and didn't even think anything of it when we went to the bar where we first met. It wasn't until he opened the door and I felt his hand start to sweat and shake that I thought something might be up.

And then I saw two of my good friends at the corner of the bar. Followed by another friend sitting next to them. "We just ran into each other!" my best friend tried to explain. But it was too late. I turned to Mr. Rucksack to ask him just what in the hell was going on and saw him down on one knee.

There was no spiel involved, just a simple "I love you. Will you marry me?" And it was perfect. 

And then I responded "I'm so glad I got my nails done today!" What can I say? I was in shock!

I did finally say yes (and also apparently the eff bomb a couple of times - sorry, mom!) and looked around to see so many of our friends and family there to witness our engagement. I felt like I kept looking and seeing more and more people!

I think the bartenders and patrons were just as shocked as I was. This is definitely not something that happens everyday at a tiny local dive bar. 

From there we popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate and ordered some food for everyone. (If you're ever in the New Haven area, Rudy's frites with Samurai sauce are where it's at.)

My little cousin, Groomsman Brobot, was also super excited as evidenced by his video game playing.

I tried to keep up with the conversations but I kept getting distracted by my pretty shiny ring and all the excitement and pretty much just kept saying "Oh my gosh! I'm engaged!" over and over again.

Us with Momma and Aunt Rucksack and my little cousin/GM Brobot

A small sample of our wonderful friends that made it out for our engagement! I love them.

Poor Mr. Rucksack had a whole plan worked out for the night before where he was going to sing me a song at karaoke and then propose, but the plan fell through when my ring didn't come on time! He couldn't wait another week for Karaoke Wednesday, so he said as soon as the ring was in his hands, he started calling our friends and my family! While it wasn't what it planned, I think it was just right and I was so happy to have so many wonderful people there to celebrate with us.

Did your fiance have an elaborate engagement plan that had to be changed at the last minute?

How the Rucksacks Came to be a We

I was on a date the night I met Mr. Rucksack and it wasn't going well. It was going so not well, in fact, that when I got a text message from a coworker asking me to go join him for karaoke, it didn't take too much convincing before I agreed. And so the not-so-great-date and I headed down the street and joined some of our mutual friends at a local bar that happened to be hosting karaoke for the first time.

Meanwhile, Mr. Rucksack was coming home from the gym when his coworker sent him a text message asking him to come out for karaoke. Luckily, Mr. Rucksack also didn't need too much convincing.

By the time I arrived Mr. Rucksack was already there with his coworker - who happened to be my not-so-great-date's neighbor. AND somebody had already called dibs on Mr. Rucksack - my coworker. Did I mention that the particular coworker that I had joined that night is a handsome gay man? That's right. While Mr. Rucksack claims that he saw me and immediately began plotting a way to talk to me, I thought he was gay because my friend had called dibs on him!

How's that for a confusing meet cute?

Mr. Rucksack and I did end up chatting that night - he stole a chance when my not-so-great date went to the bathroom. It probably worked to my advantage that I thought he was gay because I usually get really nervous around hot straight men! The fact that I thought he would never be interested in me anyway meant that I was completely myself and we had a great conversation.

The following week we both ended up at karaoke again. He had even gone by himself in hopes that my friends and I would be there! Lucky for him, we were. That night, much to my surprise, he asked for my number.

He texted me just as I was getting home: "Just so you know, I'm taking you out. I don't know when, but it's happening."

"Do I have a say in this?" I responded.

"Nope."

"Well," I typed back "I would have said yes anyway."

He took me out the very next night and the rest, as they say, is history.

One of our very first dates to a Connecticut vineyard

*Before you start worrying about my not-so-great date from the beginning of the story, I'm happy to report that he also had a happy ending. We remained friends and he met the woman who is now his wife just a month after our not-so-great date!